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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Self Reflection vs. Ego, who wins?

Lately, an uncomfortable personal issue I took as resolved, crept back to the forefront of my mind like a rising tide of pond scum. What gives, I thought? I banished this tasteless, bitter part of my life to the frozen planet of an outer galaxy with no return ticket. Or did I?
When a certain thought or issue hijacks your mind and won't release you, it is difficult to get down to the gooey, warm center of why. Yet it is imperative for your sanity to find the true reason your mind won't stop obsessing over it. Could it be because it may cause us  to self-reflect on an aspect of ourselves we'd rather ignore than deal with? And how do we know when we've bored down to the raw core and not some convenient conclusion our ego is selling us? The answer may seem to be, if it makes you uncomfortable like sand in your underpants, wriggle in your seat, question your motives, then it is "probably" the truth you are seeking. You may truly believe, even with meditative introspection, something to be true but that does not always make it so. The ego is mighty powerful, a type of Wizard of Oz if you will, that will manipulate, fabricate and exaggerate to stay alive and in charge. It may feel it is protecting you by concealing the unvarnished truth from you. When you do pull back the heavy, blackout curtain, your ego is just human, sometimes desperate, not always intelligent and definitely self-serving.
The challenge is how to dig down to the true reason something is nagging at you. Try a new meditation method or one that never worked for you before. I happened upon a double gong meditation that reset my restless mind button, enabling me to confront my problem in a fresh way. I also dusted off my boxing gloves and punched a bag for half an hour, beating to a pulp the underlying current of anger I apparently still harbored. I'm currently drilling my way down to the raw core, but this time when I get down to the truth (or what I hope IS the truth) I'm detonating this problem to a trillion pieces into the atmosphere. No chance of a return trip back.