Self Reflection vs. Ego, who wins?

Lately, an uncomfortable personal issue I took as resolved, crept back to the forefront of my mind like a rising tide of pond scum. What gives, I thought? I banished this tasteless, bitter part of my life to the frozen planet of an outer galaxy with no return ticket. Or did I?
When a certain thought or issue hijacks your mind and won't release you, it is difficult to get down to the gooey, warm center of why. Yet it is imperative for your sanity to find the true reason your mind won't stop obsessing over it. Could it be because it may cause us  to self-reflect on an aspect of ourselves we'd rather ignore than deal with? And how do we know when we've bored down to the raw core and not some convenient conclusion our ego is selling us? The answer may seem to be, if it makes you uncomfortable like sand in your underpants, wriggle in your seat, question your motives, then it is "probably" the truth you are seeking. You may truly believe, even with meditative introspection, something to be true but that does not always make it so. The ego is mighty powerful, a type of Wizard of Oz if you will, that will manipulate, fabricate and exaggerate to stay alive and in charge. It may feel it is protecting you by concealing the unvarnished truth from you. When you do pull back the heavy, blackout curtain, your ego is just human, sometimes desperate, not always intelligent and definitely self-serving.
The challenge is how to dig down to the true reason something is nagging at you. Try a new meditation method or one that never worked for you before. I happened upon a double gong meditation that reset my restless mind button, enabling me to confront my problem in a fresh way. I also dusted off my boxing gloves and punched a bag for half an hour, beating to a pulp the underlying current of anger I apparently still harbored. I'm currently drilling my way down to the raw core, but this time when I get down to the truth (or what I hope IS the truth) I'm detonating this problem to a trillion pieces into the atmosphere. No chance of a return trip back.

My New Mantra

"The truth is, everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that's the ONLY time everything will be OK" by Michael Singer "The Untethered Soul".  Live in the now, don't wish your life away by dreaming of a future that may never happen.

My New Year Lost It's Shine

It's only the 7th of January and I feel weary, as if my brand new Christmas clothes were worn and threadbare. Mind you, I'm not a big fan of the Roman calendar new year, it's just a tidy date chosen to keep everyone in line. I'm a Chinese new year person, when the ever changing new moon decides when we begin the shiny, bright new year. Yet, subconsciously I still fall aslumber on December 31st with hopeful sugar plums in my head, expecting to wake up the next day in Pleasantville. All will be better this year just because the New Year fairy waived her wand and spread her magical dust. Which could be true if the dust contained LSD.
Why did I lose the fleeting hope so quickly? Don't I know that only I can enact positive change in my life? When did I become so jaded? Shouldn't I be grateful for each day and have that be enough?
Admittingly, we were steamrolled into a deep, dark crevice by the real estate meltdown. Clawing our way back to mediocrity is no enviable task, and it gets wearisome at times. Many of us are work weary, burned out from too many working weekends, afraid to take vacations lest our clients go elsewhere and searching for our power sticks.
Rekindling my sparkle feels like trudging through a knee high mud bog on a blazingly hot desert summer day, but I slog on. Hope melts into my dimmed soul as I lazily soak in the warm winter Arizona sun during my first day off in three weeks. The sobering news of a friends' new battle against cancer whiplashes me back into everyday gratitude. Restarting my daily meditation practice fires up my brain's limbic system, sparking positive thinking.
In yoga, tapas (no, not the delectable spanish appetizers) is one of our ethical observances. It translates into fiery discipline, commitment to spiritual learning, heating up our practice. Burning off the dullness to reveal a shiny, improved self.  There's my New Year''s inspiration after all!